I feel like there have been a lot of times lately where it takes all that I have simply to continue on in my day. To get out of bed, to brush my hair. It takes everything – every ounce of energy to go thru the motions of motherhood – cooking, cleaning, laundry, taxi cab driver, etc. etc. etc. It’s so much, it’s overwhelming. It’s…well it just is.
A few posts back I mentioned that I’ve been doing some soul searching. I’ve been so frustrated and down on myself, my family, my job…everything and anything that should bring me full pleasure and happiness has seemed only as a burden and nothing like the blessing or opportunity that it should be.
I almost walked away.
I’m being completely honest here. There have been several times in these past few weeks that I stood at the door, keys in hand…wondering where to go. If I did go – would all the responsibilities follow me? If I came back, would things be different, or would it just be more of the same – just with extra laundry to do and messes to clean due to my absence?
There. Is. Just. So. Much.
I remember sitting in seminary in high school, our teacher was out for the day so there was a substitute. He was a paraplegic (paralyzed from the neck down) and his head was held up with a halo brace. He spoke to us that day about the day that changed his life forever…the car accident that took his mobility, and his little sister. Why does this particular day stand out to me now? It’s what he said…
“Why me? Why not.”
This man had faced some extreme adversity in his life. He had overcome so much. He’d been through the battles, and he had the scars to prove it - and yet…he was happy. Genuinely happy. I don’t think I ever recall ever seeing someone or meeting someone with so few worries or cares.
I. Need. To. Learn. From. Him.
It’s “Why Me, Why Not?” that got me to put down my keys that day. It’s the one thing that kept me moving forward. It’s the one phrase that gets me past any small trial (and I say small, because honestly – they are all so trivial in the grand eternal scheme of it all).
I have a choice to make. I can see the trial, or I can find the blessings. I can blame others for the workload, or I can learn something new from the opportunity. I can dread the coming day or I can find excitement in the new and unknown. I can look at the adversities and think of the difficult road that lies ahead and walk away – or I can face it head on and discover the many things that I am meant to learn from this experience.
What blessings might I miss out on if I don’t follow this path? What lessons am I supposed to learn that I might not because I was too tired to take on the opportunity? What new and exciting thing am I not going to learn or achieve or receive simply because I was feeling sorry for myself and had no desire to try something unknown?
I made the decision to pile these responsibilities on myself. I chose the path. I am the one who will ultimately decide how my living affects my life. Me.
Yes, there are things that I need to let go of. There are some things that I need to let others do for me. I get it, I can’t do it all. There are some things that are completely out of my control. There’s one thing, however I can control…my attitude. I own it. I control it. I have the ultimate power over how it will effect me. I will NOT let it pull me down or allow it to make me feel overwhelmed, stressed, full of pity or despair.
This is my life. This is MY time. This is ME.
Why Me? Why Not. After all – this IS what I signed up for.
“Life is to be Enjoyed. Not just Endured.” – President Gordon B Hinkley
